FREE ó The Goddess Test Í eBook or Kindle ePUB free

FREE ß The Goddess Test ì Every Girl Who Had Taken The Test Has Died Now It S Kate S TurnIt S Always Been Just Kate And Her Mom And Her Mother Is Dying Her Last Wish To Move Back To Her Childhood Home So Kate S Going To Start At A New School With No Friends, No Other Family And The Fear That Her Mother Won T Live Past The FallThen She Meets Henry Dark Tortured And Mesmerizing He Claims To Be Hades, God Of The Underworld And If She Accepts His Bargain, He Ll Keep Her Mother Alive While Kate Tries To Pass Seven TestsKate Is Sure He S Crazy Until She Sees Him Bring A Girl Back From The Dead Now Saving Her Mother Seems Crazily Possible If She Succeeds, She Ll Become Henry S Future Bride And A Goddess If She Fails This book took me FOREVER to get And you know what it s like when you finally have access to the book you ve always wanted..CUE THE CHA CHA DANCE But seriously, even 5 MONTHS is still a little hard to take in.I mean, 5 MONTHS Seems like Carter is a little famous in the book world Ok, enough with the music and happiness We re getting serious puts on biker jacket and pretends to look cool This book was an EPIC read As in when I was a 10 year old, I liked every single book there was out there So yeah, I honestly don t know if I would love it as much as my little kid self.Just warning ya, folks Kate is a girl who gets sucked in by Henry to the oh so magical underworld However, her only hopes are to save her mother So, obviously, in this action packed book, Carter makes this a life or death scenario I mean, what did you expect Unicorns and rainbows No A f ing hot dude who gets a girl to take a test and marry him.or die.Should you read it Totally your choice. Dear Ms Carter,Since you appear to unable or unwilling to stretch your research skills so far as to google the Greek gods, I have prepared for you a small primer, in the hopes that your future endeavours will not gratuitously and flagrantly denude one of the oldest mythologies in the world Following is a very short account of some of the major Olympian gods who apparently play a role in your book Zeus The ruler of the gods That means what he says goes This is a pantheon of the gods, not a bloody democracy Now let s see Zeus, the man who is guilty of patricide, incest, adultery and bestiality He, fulfilling a prophecy of Uranus and Gaia, killed his father and his uncles He married his sister, Hera He then went on to consistently cheat on her with a variety of mortal and non mortal women He is believed to have had secks in animal form with Leda He is, in fact, related to most of the Greek pantheon BY BLOOD He is the brother of Hera, Poseidon, Hades and Hestia, who were all born of the Titan Cronos and his sister wife Rhea Hera The sister wife of Zeus, she spends all of her time chasing jealously after the various conquests of Zeus and attempting to destroy them and their demi god offspring You know what she didn t have time for Falling in love with her other brother, that s what Poseidon He is the vengeful god of the sea He , like his brother, liked to chase the women and give them babies He is said to have raped a nymph and slept with his granddaughter Demeter In some mythological texts, this is another instance of brother chasing sister She turns herself into a mare to avoid Poseidon, but he ends up catching her in his stallion form and having wild animal secks with her literally In so far as I am aware, she didn t give a shit about Hades and his existence, except for hating him for kidnapping her daughter, Persephone.Aphrodite The goddess of lust and beauty Need I say Hades Ah, the big one Hades was the god of the Underworld He tricked and kidnapped Persephone his niece and trapped her in the Underworld He was charged with maintaining the balance, which meant he was not about to randomly grant dead people their lives back No, he was not in the business of patching up broken skulls and sending dead souls back into the living world Really He was as sexually active as the rest of his family, pursuing nymphs left, right and centre He was DEFINITELY not a virgin, and being guilty of patricide and marrying his own niece , I find it hard to imagine that he would be happy about being portrayed as a lonely, troubled, sensitive and considerate young man And as for being stuck with a pussy name like Henry, well, let s just say Tartarus isn t going to be a happy place for anyone guilty of such blasphemy Are you noticing the common thread here No Allow me to point out to you the things the ancient Greek gods DIDN T care about Anger, Envy, Greed, Pride, Sloth, Gluttony and LUST You know what s so great about being a god You don t have to conform to some measly human notion of morality and sin You don t have to test the humans in order to give them immortality You don t have to pass your decision through a council You just do what the hell you want, because you re a god, not a paper pusher Accountability is a human notion gods are above it That s kind of why they are called gods In the event that said gods wanted to make humans prove that they were worthy of being immortal, they sent them on a quest That, in case, you didn t know, is a heroic endeavour meant to test strength, courage and intelligence Not moral fibre Again, the Greek gods didn t HAVE moral fibre, so they couldn t care less about it So, I d say that pretty much rules out history tests and sharing your clothes with your friends I mean, COME ON Is that the best you can do You shared your clothes with your friends, my dear, so you can live forever The Greek pantheon preceded Christian theology by several thousand years Try not to mix your religions, it always ends badly You might also want to keep in mind that gods are not sweeter, kinder versions of humanity They have no humanity They don t fall in love, get married and live happily ever after in domestic bliss with 2.5 children So if your heroine is asking the Lord of the Underworld whether he wants what other people want marriage, a home and a family, chances are, she is going to be laughed out of the Underworld Not looked at wistfully and tenderly Henry is the worst representation of a romantic hero that I can think of Unless we are now trying to portray the Greek gods as Victorian maidens He moans and sighs and languishes in a manner that is an embarrassment to gods everywhere It could have been an interesting plotline that Henry was in love with someone else, if it weren t for the fact that he s so drippy about it, you want to give him some laudanum and put him to sleep on the fainting couch Your heroine too, could use some increase in IQ I believe, as she exists currently, she falls in two categories of unlikeable women goody two shoes and too stupid to live On a non mythological note, I would like to submit a complaint, as a reader of average intelligence I am not five Could you kindly refrain from talking down to me The twists in this book were laughably obvious From Kate s mother s identity to that of James, to that of the murderer, it took me about five seconds to figure out Maybe next time we could try for an actual mystery Just a suggestion Also, if you could refrain from wimping out in your sex scenes, you would earn my eternal gratitude Teenagers can and do have sex Normal, happy sex with boys they love They don t need to be forced into it by a sophist trick like the inclusion of aphrodisiacs If you could stop including plotlines that make me throw up in my head, I would be thankful.I hope my little notes have been of a helpful nature in guiding you towards a entertaining, well researched novel You will forgive me, however, if I don t have the courage to verify for myself whether your next attempt at writing goes better than your first I value my sanity.Yours sincerely,A Reader P.S This book was provided to me by the publishers via Net Galley No considerations, monetary or otherwise, influenced this review. This ARC was provided for me by Harlequin and no money was exchanged I requested this galley because, after reading the blurb, I immediately decided that the concept was awesome and that this book would be made of win I tried to rationalize with myself that it might not be the fantastic story I was imagining, but it still had to be good, right RIGHT Of course the concept of Vampire has already been taken, murdered, chopped into little pieces, jellified and poured into a modern, PC mould of super coolness image error Warning There are some vulgarities in here because I m a very vulgar person Look away if your sensitive eyes can t handle it.Man, getting through this book was like having my wisdom teeth pulled out with no lidocaine Terrible, I tell ya.But anyway, let s get on to the review, shall we The Goddess Test has an awesome, awesome premise Girl going through tests to become the bride of Hades HECK YEAH, GIVE ME SOME OF THAT And it started that way but shortly after immediately crashed and smoldered So much so that I ended up going, no, no, take it back I understand that it s an author s prerogative or free choice to reinvent staple figures of mythology, legends, stories, or what have you but really, I don t care what you say I hated it You know those Greek gods that you loved because they were such dick faced assholes that were vain, selfish, and just had unending reserves of violent natures Forget about that here Now they ve been turned into PUSSIFIED versions of themselves I am not joking Hades, excuse me, Henry is some pathetic caricature of himself in which all he does is mope, sulk, mope some , and does boring things like fancy parlor tricks Hah By the way, he s a virgin Hold up, back the fuck up, did you just say VIRGIN Yes Are you going to tell me that the baddest fuck in Greek mythology who loved to murder, damn people to hell for all eternity, kidnap people, rape young girls, screw his relatives, and whatever is a FREAKING VIRGIN Give me a moment to pick my jaw off the floor and suspend my moment of disbelief Sorry, nope it s not working I guess I should have known what the premise calls him dark and tortured Those were my cues to STAY THE FUCK AWAY Not to mention the stop eating crap What the hell If some bastard told me to stop eating I m going to slap him in the face It s not like I m a fucking whale that needs to watch their weight It just rubs me the entirely the wrong way that this is perfectly acceptable when you consider how the media forces it down our throats of how we must be thin, be beautiful, and be absolutely perfect but telling Kate, who is fine the way she is appearance wise, her personality is another matter , has to fit into this model is just not taken as something wrong That this is A OKAY No, sorry Not gonna sit right with me, EVER I don t give a crap if it s for some stupid test Gluttony or not This is just wrong.Which leads to another thing the tests They revolve around the Seven Deadly Sins Do you not see something glaringly wrong with this They are Greek Gods GREEK Why in the hell would they care about Christian ideology when, you know, they were are a religion in and of themselves WHAT Just why And these tests were completely pathetic I was propped up by the premise to expect something damn awesome but what do I get NOTHING I m serious If I could become a Greek god by just giving away my clothes or some shit like that, frick, why isn t everyone I know including myself not one right now Cuz damn I d sure implement some changes if I had that kinda power.Okay, okay, okay, I m being a real whiny bitch If there was one thing that I thought was a potentially redeeming factor it was the relationship Kate had with her mother, and the grief and pain she feels about having to lose her to cancer Her pain was constant and emotive, something I can personally connect to because I have family members who have gone through cancer, and it is one of the most gut wrenching things you can ever experience.But then this was circumvented at the end when we find out that Kate s mom is actually a GOD and that her suffering was actually a TEST Excuse me How dare you demean and minimalize her suffering this way I m sorry but that just pushed my raging button Where was my happy ending button when MY family members had cancer, huh I horrendously disliked the way the author manipulated this character just so she can use this as an excuse for a plot point or character development Ugh.And what is up with the gods names What s wrong with keeping to the original And, heck, if you re going to give them new names make them sound at least FUCK YEAH I M THE BIG SHIT IN THIS BLOCK Instead of, you know, simple common names like Henry or Xander Of course some people might argue that this is what makes it genius, but I beg to differ.If you re looking for balls to the walls character development here, you aren t getting it Most, if not all, the characters are devoid of life, personality, or distinguishing features that separate themselves from the other In fact, I ve forgotten who they are already after finishing this book two days ago Pretty bad, huh I m serious The characters feel like they re just there for the purpose of moving the plot along rather than THEM being the plot It had SO much promise but failed for me in every way.